Sitting in the Decision

Have you ever had a really tough choice to make? One that really made you sweat? Did you make endless lists of pros and cons, only to stare at them for hours and still feel stuck?

To me, lists of pros and cons can be so detached and intellectual. OK, I wrote them down, now what? Count them? Prioritize them? Assign numerical weights? Plot them on a graph?

I say, pros and cons, schmos and schmons. Sit in a decision to get a 360 degree view of you, post choice.

Sitting in a decision is faking a choice to gauge your reaction. It takes a bit of imagination, but if you can really convince yourself that you’ve taken one road or the other, all those pros and cons come to life — as feelings.

All the fear.

All the excitement.

All the relief.

All the joy.

All the heartbreak.

All the everything. All the jitters, and stomach-butterflies, and beating hearts, and trembling hands too. All the stuff in your body that tells you which is the path of freedom and joy.

How to Sit in a Decision

Before sitting in a decision, I think it’s helpful to know what kind of decision you’re dealing with. The way I see it, there are basically 2 categories of Big Life Decisions:

• The situation in which you literally have no idea what to do. Maybe you don’t know exactly what to expect from each option, so you can’t tell which is best (or which sucks least). Or maybe you just don’t know what you want.

• The situation in which you already know what you want, but you think you can’t have it or are scared to go for it (example: quitting your job to travel the world).

In the first case, it doesn’t matter which decision you try on first. Just pick one out of a hat. In the second case, I think it’s helpful to start with the one that will be more motivating to you to go for the gold. In the example of quitting your job to travel the world, one person might be more motivated by spending some quality time as the Person Who has Decided to Quit Her Job and Roam the Planet. Another would be more motivated imagining the status quo, in all its boredom/pain/regret/torture/whatever. Try to figure out which one you are, and start with the option that will fire you up.

Once you’ve chosen an option, you can:

• (Optional) Recruit other players. This game is fun to play alone and it’s also fun to play with a partner, say if for example you’ve got a big joint decision to make with your significant other. Even if it’s your decision to make for yourself, you might enjoy inviting other people to sit there with you, treating you like they would if you were really going that route. Or you can keep it to yourself. Up to you.

• Pick a length of time to sit in the decision. A week is great for a really big decision if you’ve got the time. A minute can work if you’re under the gun. And sometimes, an option is so scary (either because it’s so bad or so good) that you know you won’t be able to stay there for long; that’s cool. Choose a length of time that feels like a stretch but won’t make you pass out.

• Choose. Choose that job, or that house, or whether to get married, or to a adopt a dog, or what to have for dinner. Make the choice and then be the person that did it. Let the other option(s) go in your mind and heart, the same way you would if you were set on the chosen course for real. Whenever the topic crosses your mind (which will probably be often, since you are so obsessed with this decision), consider it from the vantage point of being past the decision and on your way down one particular path.

• If necessary, find a way to remind  yourself that you’ve “decided.” Sometimes without reminders, it’s easy to just go about your day thinking you’re as undecided as ever. You may be in the habit of indecision, and unconscious habits have a sneaky way of taking over without your knowledge. You can try post-its on the mirror, notes in your calendar, texts to yourself, telling friends about it, whatever works for you.

• Feel. Feel the schmos and schmons coursing through your veins, like gamma radiation through The Hulk. Pay attention to what’s going on in your body; is that stomach flip from eager excitement or mortal terror? If the latter, is it the come-on-I-dare-you mortal terror or the car-headed-off-a-cliff mortal terror?

• (Optional) Act. In some cases, it makes sense to take action while sitting in the decision. Let’s say the decision is whether to start a side business painting houses. While sitting in the decision, you can feel free to take any action you are comfortable with. Tell friends you’re looking for people’s houses to paint. Actually paint a house and get paid for it. It’s up to you — just obviously don’t go crazy spending money in this stage, unless you’re rolling in it, in which case, have at it. If you think of actions that you would take if you made the decision for real but don’t feel comfortable taking right now, just write them down.

• Reflect and write, as things come to you. New positives and negatives that you would never have thought of may suddenly appear. New options may even present themselves!

• At the end of the allotted time period, especially if you have the know-what-you-want-but-scared-to-go-for-it kind of decision to make, you may have done all you need to do. (And no, we don’t judge you here if you decide you’re just not ready. It’s all good!). If you haven’t made up your mind at this point, sit in another option, and then another, until you know what to do or run out of options to try.

When I sit in a decision, sometimes the answer becomes so clear. Even if it doesn’t, I never fail to get new insights. It is so easy sometimes to become paralyzed with fear of making the “wrong” choice, when in fact there is no such thing! But sitting in a decision gives you access to your gut instinct. And when it comes to choice-making, your gut is your friend. Your brain and all its columns and lists and graphs will never guide you a quarter as truly.

Tagged as: Choice, Instinct